Books & A New Mom's New Life

After the baby was born and I had enough sleep to not always make sleep my top priority (about six weeks later), I started looking for books to read while the baby was nursing or napping. I read a number of books before realizing my current criteria for books:

1. Lightweight.

I picked up Cryptonomicon (which I adored when I read it the first time and am slightly shocked at myself for not yet having reread it) and, although it is a paperback, it is a heavy paperback. On the second page an acute pain shot through my wrist. For the next two days I could not use that hand to pick up the baby (Have you ever tried picking up a baby with one hand? In the middle of the night? It's hard.) and it still is a little twinge-y.

2. Heartwarming.

I enjoy reading cozy books. Somehow that often turns out to be British books. James Herriot, D.E. Stevenson, Jane Austen, Ellis Peters, Agatha Christie, children's books like Caddie Woodlawn or Jane of Lantern Hill. When I read a disturbing book (even one that fascinates me like Gone with the Wind), I am less at ease. I become frustrated at the baby, grumpy towards my husband, and cry for no reason. So I try to resist the temptation of edgy books for the sake of my and my family's happiness.

3. Featuring moms and babies as main characters.

I pretty much failed on this one. Are there such books? I could not find them. Perhaps writers don't consider there to be enough mystery or romance in being a new mom to be worth writing about. Or perhaps new moms are too engrossed in their babies to do much writing and later they forget their adventures. So this blog is being written for me and any other new mom who wants to read about the delights and struggles of a new mom negotiating her new life with her new baby.

Five Homeschooling Books

A friend who has never thought seriously about homeschooling just asked me if I had any book recommendations for her about education and homeschooling. Here's the list I put together for her:

The First Year of Homeschooling by Linda Dobson
My husband and I read this book together six years ago when I was first becoming involved in the homeschooling community in Portland, Oregon. It gives a lovely introduction to the spectrum of homeschooling styles. We read it out loud together and loved all of the anecdotes and positivity. I would recommend it as a good first book to read about homeschooling.

The Well-Trained Mind by Susan Wise Bauer and Jessie Wise
One of the styles we read about in The First Year of Homeschooling which interested us was the Classical method. This book explains that particular method of homeschooling. If you are wondering if homeschooling can provide a rigorous and comprehensive enough education, this is a good book to read. I am not planning to adopt the entire Classical structure, but I am very excited about the idea of tying literature to historical era and going through all of history three times: in elementary school, middle school and high school. I wish I had had a more thoughtful and thorough exposure to history, so not only am I excited about giving such an education in history and literature to my son but also about learning it myself at the same time.

Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn
This book espouses some extreme and controversial ideas, such as that all rewards (for example, grades or even praise) are inherently demotivating. I found this book upsetting when I first read it (every time I was about to say "Good job" to a student I found myself tongue-tied and unsure) but ultimately thought-provoking in a very positive way. (The book actually distinguishes between generic demotivating praise such as "good job" and very specific valuable feedback.)

Weapons of Mass Instruction by John Taylor Gatto
Another upsetting book that sometimes reads more like a rant, this book gives the dark history of the history and current state of the American public school system. I found myself saying "That's impossible!" often as I read it, but again I found the information and ideas to be ultimately thought-provoking and to ring more true after I gave them more thought.

Multiple Intelligences by Howard Gardner
This book is a more serious research-heavy book. It is a completely fascinating and clear rewriting of what constitutes "intelligence" and a useful reminder to me again and again that every person or child is unique and uniquely intelligent. It helps me to question what and how an individual should best learn.

Personal Change

My new hypothesis: Exercise is the best and easiest first step towards any form of personal change.

So, the problem with all of the revelations I have been having about exercise in the last month is that they are all cliches I have heard over and over, and so they don't sound impressive. Things like "Begin where you are", "the key thing is to stick with it", "make it routine" or "you'll have more energy if you exercise every day".

But they are all true!

Here is my current exercise routine (five weeks in):
Monday: Strength training and cardio on the stationary bike, postnatal yoga
Tuesday: Lap swimming
Wednesday: Yoga
Thursday: Strength training and cardio on the stationary bike
Friday: Lap swimming
Saturday: Ashtanga yoga, climb the rope in my barn
Sunday is a day of rest.
Everyday: heft 17 pound baby everywhere

I feel so much happier and content. I can feel myself getting stronger. I feel more energized about everything else in my life: tutoring, cooking dinner, cleaning my house, writing (is it a coincidence that I began writing this blog just days after beginning my exercise routine?), my relationship with my husband, caring for my baby.

I was trying to think of other candidates for a best or easiest first step:
Losing weight?
Now, I haven't ever lost a substantial amount of weight (except for the 20 pounds I lost the day my baby was born) and I have heard a lot of people who have lost weight talk about how great they feel, but could they be feeling great because they are exercising regularly?
Eating better?
Certainly exercising and eating well have a lovely symbiotic relationship. It is easier to exercise when you are eating well (I once went for a five-mile run right after demolishing a cannolli and that was a miserable experience.) and easier to eat well when you are exercising. I have a vivid memory of eating carrots as a teenager after going for a run and they were so delectable and I could feel their good nutrients traveling through my body. Just yesterday I was drinking a tall glass of water and noticing how sweet it tasted. Certainly eating more healthfully is a good thing to strive for, but I maintain that beginning an exercise routine (going for a walk, to a yoga class, to the gym) is a simpler step than eating better (deciding what "better" means, going to the grocery store, using the vegetables you bought before they rot and you have to throw them away, trying out new recipes, gathering the spices you've never heard of that you now need, being starving but needing to wash and chop strawberries to stir in with your yogurt because that's the readiest-to-eat thing that you have in the house) and more likely to be effective in inspiring you to establish other personal changes, perhaps mostly because of the energized yet relaxed feeling that follows exercise (as opposed to the heavier, sleepier feeling that follows even a healthy meal).
Writing?
I have been a consistent diary writer for 21 years, ever since my first light green plastic diary that I started in third grade and a blogger for one month. I do love the ritual of daily writing. I find it meditative, clarifying, illuminating, healing. . . While diary writing is mentally and emotionally healthy, it has not physical aspect. I find that exercise, being primarily physical, has many of the healthy-for-the-mind-and-soul meditative aspects of writing simply as side benefits, and so soothes and invigorates me as a whole person. Again, writing is a complementary activity as my state of mind while exercise is conducive to generating ideas for writing.
Visual art?
I easily enter a flow state when I am drawing or painting. It is one of my favorite single activities. I find it challenging, rewarding, and gloriously all-consuming in its focus. I feel that it is the one aspect of my life still missing right now in the new life as a new mom I have been building up for myself. So, the very fact that I have not yet managed to work art-making consistently into my life makes it clear that for me at least it is not as easy a first step as exercise.

I'll keep you posted on how well the exercise and other personal changes go!

A Tale of Two Geometry Classes

A friend asked me the other day my philosophical reasons for intending to homeschool my six-month-old son, and I began by telling her this story. As a mathematician, I like this story because it controls many variables. . .

One year when I was working as a freelance math and drama teacher in the Portland, OR homeschooling communities, I taught two geometry classes in two locations: a homeschooling center and a charter school for homeschoolers.

The homeschooling center was a privately-run non-profit where I had virtually complete control of my geometry class. Students (in some cases influenced by their parents) took my class by choice.

The charter school was government-funded, so it needed to prove that its students were learning. So, I was required to give grades. In order to give accurate grades, I gave my students tests. It was possible to receive a diploma from this school, so the school had requirements (including some number of years of math) and there was a sense of needing (not choosing) to take the class.

The homeschooling center and the charter school served overlapping populations. Quite a few students attended classes at both.

So, I was the same teacher teaching the same course to the same students, but. . .

At the homeschooling center, my geometry students and I had a blast: there was a sense of energy and fun in the room. I focused on the idea of building up a mathematical theory from first postulates and they grasped it. If they found a certain series of steps in a proof irksome (because it appeared so often and seemed silly to have to write out so many steps) we would prove it as a class lemma, name it (We came up with some awesome names!) and from then on any student could use it as a single step in any proof. We came up with our own acronyms and symbols for common (or uncommon!) theorems to save us time in writing.

They were curious about all sorts of aspects of geometry, and I often launched into historical tangents. We spent some time looking at Euclid's Elements and his wonderful definitions (such as a line is a "breadthless length"). At the end of each chapter, I assigned a set of about twelve problems which I corrected at home (all other homework problems solutions were provided in the book or in class) and I spent time going over every concept that a student had struggled with, not moving on until I felt that the class had mastery of the material. I built in an extra day at the end of each chapter for hands-on projects: building all of the Platonic solids and a truncated icosahedron, measuring the height of trees using similar triangles, drawing a flower of life using a compass. . .

I was able to be a guide and a mentor to my students. They knew me as an individual, enjoyed my company, and appreciated my knowledge of math and teaching ability. At the end of the year, they had increased appreciation for, understanding of, and skills in geometry.

On the other hand. . .

At the charter school, students were more confused about the material, never really understood how to write proofs, complained about test scores but seldom asked me for help understanding the concepts behind the problems they had gotten wrong, and at the end of the year were confirmed in their opinion that math is confusing and not much fun. I struggled to connect with each student; they thought of me as an authority figure doling out grades and I had to work very hard to combat that impression.

I was a better teacher at the homeschooling center than at the charter school. The constraints of more traditional schooling made it harder for me to teach well, establish rapport with individual students, create an energized and fun classroom culture, and help each student to enjoy learning and achieve mastery of geometry. It is the (more) traditional school system itself that impedes learning and stifles curiosity, joy and positive relationships.

And keep in mind, the "more traditional school" in my story is a charter school for homeschoolers with more flexibility and less structure than a public school.

First Date: Ashtanga Yoga

My husband and I just went out for the first time without our baby since he was born six months ago. The baby stayed with his grandparents while we went out on our first date on Saturday. . .

. . . to a yoga studio at 8 am.

It felt amazing to be side by side on our hot pink mats (his little sister gave him hers) beginning to learn something new together. Our teacher was a delightful, eager young woman, gratifyingly impressed by our strength and flexibility. We were each focused on our own practice but I was very aware that he was just behind me. Not having the baby there reminded me that we are more than a Mommy and Daddy loving the same precious child, but are also still two individuals in harmony who choose to be side by side taking on the world together. It was exhilarating to be so present in my body and to find such clarity in my mind and emotions. When we stepped out of the studio together, our impressions and thoughts were spilling out of us, and our conversation coming home in the car felt full of meaning and revelation.

And here's why I think that was a better first date than dinner and a movie:

1. You come away feeling energized (not full).

2. You are making good use of your time.

The ideal flow state of yoga requires focus which is almost impossible when your baby is there (I do actually do postnatal yoga with my baby and that is wonderful but is a very different activity.) so you are making optimal use of baby-free time. Whereas, we can take our baby with us out to dinner. (He is still only six months old and is a smiling and contented baby most of the time.)

Or, if this is a "real" first date, even if you don't click, you had the experience of a yoga class (not an awkward dinner) together.

3. You are experiencing something together which gives you something of substance to talk about afterwards.

This helps avoid awkward first-date conversation when you don't yet know each other well and also frees you from first-date-after-baby conversation that revolves around the baby.

4. You are actively engaged in an experience together.

Watching a movie together does give you something to talk about afterwards, but it is a passive not an active experience. Doing something such as yoga together gives you the opportunity to share how you felt in your body and how you learn.

5. You are beginning something new at which you can continue to work together and gain mastery.

As opposed to decadent indulgence or comfortable laziness, this date is mindful engagement in the moment and reinforcement of a healthy habit. If all goes well, an obvious second date presents itself.

6. You will be particularly open to connecting with each other afterwards.

Yoga was designed to prepare you for mediation. Mediation is the easing of stress and striving: a sense of openness and one-ness in which revelations and relationships easily bloom.

If I Had Been Homeschooled. . .

I would have. . .

1. Done a lot of research into my family and family tree. I would have interviewed my grandmother and my great aunts and compiled stories about their lives and their parents' and siblings' lives. I would have written down the story about Aunt Francina missing the Lusitania (she had tickets) and the San Francisco earthquake and marrying a count (I think), and the story about my grandmother Erie being the fastest ice cream-eater in Queens because her German immigrant parents opened an ice cream parlor. I would have drawn an elaborate and accurate family tree. I would have tried to correspond with distant relatives still in Mandal, Norway.

2. Continued writing and illustrating stories. I began a trilogy about horses when I was five; I planned the whole thing and did, I believe, about 2/3 of the drawings and half the writing. Throughout elementary school I still had time to write and draw. I created the town of Newport News, Wisconsin and a cast of 10-year-old friends - Kathy, Robert, Lorrell, Carrie, and more - and wrote maybe a dozen stories about them. I included illustrations, plan views of their houses, family trees and maps (the maps covered more than 20 sheets of paper that could be laid out together on the floor). After fourth grade I did very little writing and illustrating on my own (mostly because I was so busy with homework). I would love to know what I would have created in those eight years.

3. Researched the history of my town extensively.

4. Spent substantial time at all the living history museums in New England: Plymouth Plantations, Historic Deerfield, Strawberry Bank in Portsmouth, NH, Old Sturbridge Village, Mystic Seaport, etc. I would have figured out how to make my own soap out of ashes and fat.

5. Begun the lifelong mastery of an individual sport (like running) and competed in local races.

6. Learned to sail.

7. Done more construction projects with my dad.

8. Knit a whole blanket and some scarves and hats.

9. Learned to cook sooner, sew well, and garden with my mom.

10. Split wood.

11. Apprenticed long-term to adults I knew and respected in several fields: mechanical engineering, advertising, architecture, publishing, and teaching.

12. Read so many books!

13. Gone on some Outward Bound type hiking trips.

24 Names We Call Our Baby

1. Squirtyhead
2. Milkface
3. Whingey-whingey
4. The Baby
5. Scrunchyface
6. The Little Red Monster
7. Little One
8. Little Guy
9. Mr. Squirmy Pants
10. Professor Squirmy Pants
11. Professor Squirmy Pants on Holiday
12. Grumpyhead
13. Happyhead
14. Sleepyhead
15. Cough-y Head
16. Hiccup Head
17. Squirmy
18. Precious One
19. Squirt
20. The Chompion
21. The Chomp Champ
22. Bitey Bitey
23. Twoteeth Druliman
24. Hairp'ler

GRADUATE unSCHOOLing

I have no plans to go to graduate school. But I have big plans for all the things I want to learn. Two years after graduating from college, a few months after I had discovered and was teaching in the vibrant homeschooling community of Portland, Oregon I had the empowering and delicious revelation that every single adult gets to unschool all the time!

Now eight years away from college, looking back, here is the transcript of my GRADUATE unSCHOOLing:

Literature
Classic Fantasy Novels
Shakespeare
The Genius of Neal Stephenson
Greek Tragedy
Mathematics
Computer Programming: How to Program RSA in C
Recreational Mathematics
Math and Art: Penrose Tilings, the Golden Spiral, Fractals, Moebius Strips, Labyrinths
Calculus: A Review
Geography
World Map Part 1: Draw the U.S. freehand
World Map Part 2: Draw Europe freehand
Education
Practical Teaching Techniques
Homeschooling: Philosophies, Styles, Teaching, Appreciating, Scheduling for a Center
Curriculum Creation (Girltalk, Cryptography, Fibonacci)
Life Skills
Culinary Arts (Final Exam: Thanksgiving Dinner)
Beginning Gardening: Herbs, Berries, Tomatoes, and Weeding
How to Have a Strong Marriage
Feel-Good Pregnancy and Natural Childbirth (Final Exam: Labor & Birth)
How to keep your Baby Happy
Business
How to Earn a Living as a Theater Electrician in New York City
Stage Management
How to Create my own Career and Build up my Business
Financial Recordkeeping and Tax Preparation
Physical Education
Running
Ballroom Dance (Final Exam: Wedding Rumba)
Vinyasa Yoga
Acrobatics: Partner Acro, Trapeze and Rope
Kayaking
Art
Lighting Design
En Plein Air Painting
Create your own Illustrated Stories

I love being in charge of what I learn. I love choosing how to prioritize my life and divide my time.

I choose my own homework. For example, just the other day I was trying to recite "Paul Revere's Ride" while working out on the bike at the gym, but I could only remember the opening section. I memorized the whole poem when I was nine and knew it well for a few years, but for the last fifteen years or so from time to time I'll say, "Gee, I really should rememorize Paul Revere's Ride". So, when I got home from the gym, I googled it, spent ten minutes reading it through and practicing, and now I have it at the tips of my fingers again! Think how different an experience it would have been for me to have been told: "Your homework is to memorize Paul Revere's Ride." And how much more challenging and less interesting to me!

Similarly, I have been excited about the idea of learning enough geography to be able to draw a map of the world including all countries and capitals given only a blank piece of paper. (There was such a class at MIT when my dad was there.) So, two years ago I set in motion my own seven-year study of geography. Each year I set myself a new challenge, and December 23rd of each year is the day of reckoning when I and any family or friends who so desire are given a blank piece of paper and see what they can do. At this point, I can draw the U.S. (including all states and capitals) and Europe. This year's challenge is Asia!

I make a conscious effort to replace "I have to" with "I choose" in my conversation and thoughts. For example, changing "I have to get up now because I have to go to work" to "I choose to get up now because I choose to go to work to earn money and support myself and my family" reminds me that I am in control of my life and choose my priorities and my actions. I think recognizing for yourself, as an adult, that you are unschooling all the time is a similar reminder that you are at choice all the time and there are countless beckoning opportunities all around.